The Mental Battle

There are two reasons why I transcribe my feelings into words: One, I seek solace in words when the emotions well up inside me and writing them out helps me release them; and two, in the hopes that someone experiencing the same would be comforted to read in another person's words, a page from their life story.

Right now I'm scared.

For in a few days' time I will move to a place, somewhat out of my comfort zone that is my home and the familiar island of Penang, into the grounds of Kedah, where I will live on my own. To say that I'm scared is an understatement. I'm so afraid I'm near to crying.

The plenty of thoughts that invade my cranium, that beg with their arms outstretched for an answer each, are getting restless. They battle inside for a resolution of this uncertainty. They want to know what battles they will be fighting; who are the friends? who, the foes? what, the limitations? how, the road?

My double industrial training stints prior to this have broken my virginity to the working environment; yet at this moment, like a timid schoolgirl slowly peeling off her clothes, I feel most vulnerable. And strangely, I feel unready.

Where has my confidence gone?

I look forward to living on my own, to be responsible for my own life, but atop all things I look forward to the peace. For in peacefulness I feel most comfortable. But alas, the line between peacefulness and loneliness is an unclear one.

I worry that I will become too engulfed in my thoughts, which could result in dire consequences to my mental health. I know for it has happened before; there is every danger of that reoccurring any second from now. However, this is easily overcome by distracting myself from my own thoughts, for example, by talking to friends.

But will the distractions be at reach?

I find no reasons to assure myself, to calm this storm that only I can see and suffer.

I'd do it if I could hold on to this moment
to say the words that I wanted to say
When it feels like the last line

when I've only just begun, my friend
This is now, this is it, it's the end